Lessons of The Road

After 46 days on the road I have travelled 3,687 miles, camped in 25 cities, scraped the surface exploring 3 states, visited 10 former friends, and met 5 new friends who are now apart of my road community. My spirits are high, though I have recently encountered some road blocks. I am honing the skill of outlining plans loosely enough to have direction, while still allowing for flexibility to accommodate last minute changes. This has served me well with the current onslaught of wildland fires, which have determined I will be taking a much different route with an updated timeline. Just as these fires became more serious in Oregon I found myself incredibly fortunate to land at the house of a dear family friend, surrounded by a wonderful community of people. In times of distress, I realize it is a real privilege to connect with others for mutual support. Being surrounded with loving people provided me a real sense of calm. I imagine this would have looked quite a bit different had I been camping alone on a dirt road with fire chasing me out. Knowing that so many are suffering the loss of their homes, or facing health issues at this time, I want to emphasize my gratitude for good health, support, and safety!

My van, Moksha, has been holding up incredibly well and serves most all of my needs! The stove works about 47% of the time, so simple foods are my friend. I am fueled by PB&J sandwiches, hummus, and veggies. But, don't let me fool you, I have been sneaking in my fair share of Trader Joe's dark chocolate peanut butter cups and the occasional ice cream sandwich. Yum! A majority of the time I camp off grid, so good luck finding me. Some camp locations are stunning, surrounded with forests and lakes, while others are a bit creepy littered with deer carcasses and trash. There are evenings where I am completely isolated in the woods and other nights that I am but one in a village of campers. Daylight hours are typically filled with exploration by foot, bike, or swim, and it has been a dream to spend a majority of my time playing around in the woods. When physical activities die down, I often crawl into a chair or hammock to read, write, or play my ukulele/guitar. Recently I was with a family who guided me in the art of baking apple pies, making fresh jam, and weaving baskets. We were lucky enough to use the materials of all freshly harvested apples, blackberries, and willow bark from a downed tree. I still tutor a couple of students two times a week and have enjoyed the ability to stay connected in this fashion. I am happy to report that bathing is something that I still participate in, though it looks a bit different these days. I am certain that it is written into the code of van life that seeing an accessible body of water demands a swim. These days, I consider the great outdoors to be much more than a place to surround myself with trees and wildlife. Nature is now my living room, dining room, bathroom, kitchen, and playground. My appreciation for our world grows with each passing day when I swing open the van door to be immediately met with fresh air (most of the time, anyway). Currently I am busy trying to escape the intense smoke. I'm feeling especially grateful for the firefighters who are out there working hard to protect all of us. What a huge gift they give us, with little thanks. My journey has presented highs and lows, but ultimately I feel that I am living a more fulfilled life now than ever before. The plateaus that once seemed dull are still simple, but entirely satisfying. This life is so rich!

I have deeply enjoyed reconnecting with so many people along this journey, but I am learning to appreciate the increase in time spent alone as well. Interestingly, I feel less lonely in complete isolation than I have in the past few years living in LA. I am learning a great deal about who I am, who I want to be, who I want to spend my time with, and how I hope to live my life. The quote, "If you are lonely when you are alone, you're in bad company" has never rang so true. There are undoubtedly times that I have longed to share an experience or beautiful view with someone, but the more time I spend on this expedition, the more natural it feels to appreciate moments of solitude. Such sweetness can be drawn from the contrast of time alone & time with others. When I have felt that I really needed another human, someone almost always seems to pop clear out of the woods [believe it or not]. I am developing faith in my independence, strength, and the power of being thoughtful. Most importantly, though, I am becoming familiar with the woman inside of my own head. I have found that there's more going on with my psyche than I had understood. This is because I have never made it a priority to slow down and pay attention to the intricacies of... me!

A recent self-revelation; I am a pretty tender soul. This holds true, despite many years of convincing myself that I have a solid, unbreakable exterior. The idea of being impenetrable seemed appealing, though I am finding that it may be somewhat destructive. Being a softy in my heart doesn't mean that I am not strong, and perhaps grants me more grace when navigating troubled waters. I am finding that allowing myself to actually feel emotional pain is a pathway to progress. Sometimes I come out on the other end of a difficult period to find that my life begins to align more naturally. I fall into a rhythm and simply allow things to work themselves out. Other times the fear of potentially facing more pain can feel paralyzing. And boy do I have a lot of fears that pain could accompany. These range from my fear of suffering an accident, losing someone I love, grappling with heartache, battling physical pain, or getting attacked by anything! Writing out this list makes me giggle because it is so extensive and probably sounds silly, but these fears are real for me. When I allow them to enter my brain, they have the power to become destructive in the way that I approach my life and relationships. But, I am learning that it doesn't have to be this way. The existence of fear provides me an opportunity to exercise bravery, and to be brave is to practice control over how much fear I allow into the forefront of my mind. I am reframing my perspective of fear and sadness so I can appreciate my tender heart instead of battle with it. After all, it allows me to feel the highs, lows, and everything in between.

My time in the van has absolutely fueled my soul, but I don't want to create a false image that van life is perfect. There have been many sleepless nights, re-routing frustrations, difficulties finding a home for the night, etc. This lifestyle is teaching me how to act more gracefully when frustrated or inconvenienced. Formerly I viewed such situations as an indicator that I had earned a vent session to drop in someone else's lap (sorry for the years of torment, mom). As I continue onward, my goals are to increase time spent as a creative, break rules, help others, challenge myself, face fears with a willingness to release control of the outcome, accept help when needed, and to simply be love. Funny enough, this idea came from a tea bag that said, "You don't need love, you are the love." I was reflecting on this concept and I appreciate the idea of "being the love" in a time when our world seems to be in turmoil. Here's to all of us being the love and spreading the love!